How Unlike You...

howunlikeyou — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 22:59:23 +0000

Hey, look over here.

howunlikeyou — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 04:48:25 +0000

Titles like that need exclamation points, in my estimation. A fact which makes me totally counterculture and cool, right? I know what you’re all thinking: no. Fair enough, but remember when I used this blog to sort of halfway, incompletely “promote” a “comedy show” that you wouldn’t remember anyway? Yeah, well now I’m just going to blog here about whatevs (also a counterculture/cool thing to say). Will it be acceptable for me to be sarcastic with the actual words I use whilst being sarcastic? That seems palatable…so if there are still RSS feeds, then you would be doing your giant brain (I’m kidding, you’re probably dumb) a terrible disservice to not make this blog go into the RSS machine (who’s dumb now?). Look, I know that’s not how it works, Judge Snooty. “Look at me, I know so much about technology and am awesome and have sunglasses.” That’s what you sound like right now.

Stop Doing That #1: Advice for desperate, smelly people.

howunlikeyou — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:38:35 +0000

And really, you’ve reached the end of your road if this is the place ye seek solace, comfort, understanding, and sage-like imperatives…but it is my charge to fend off your impending suicide, at least long enough to stimulate our sagging economy for one more day (buying things makes you feel better, so sayeth the Lord)…and I take it seriously. Just because nobody will love you, have sex with you, give you drugs, or clean up after themselves at your latest poorly-attended dinner party doesn’t mean there aren’t options. To wit:

Terry in California writes…

Dear How Unlike You,

You seem smart, and I’ll go out on a limb and assume you’re a pretty handsome guy…strong jawline…so tell me what I should do. I am the graveyard shift security guard at the model airplane factory just south of Bakersfield…it’s a good job-I get paid hourly, so I don’t have to worry about the hassle of having a salary, they let me bring my dog to hunt raccoons on slow nights, they don’t say anything when I show up drunk…it’s pretty cool…no dental, though…Anyway, my girlfriend works at the local maternity fashion depot, but has the day shift…so we never get to spend any quality time together. But she keeps the apartment really clean…I mean, at least once a week I see a Roger’s Carpet Cleaner van when I drive by on my lunch hour at 3 A.M., so she seems dedicated to making it a nice place to live…seriously, you should see how spotless our baby blue shag is. I love her, man, I just don’t know how to make it work…what would you do?

A question, Terry. How did you get my email address? Seriously, I’m shocked that you were able to conjur the internet on your “learnin’ t.v.” Proof that resourcefulness trumps a GED, I’d contend. Not to be cruel, but there are a couple of reasons why I think you’re incredibly stupid. Um, the dream is to have a woman who is never around…and cleans the pizza stains you left on the white love seat…and scrubs the bottom of your ‘coon blood-stained tub…seriously, you should not be complaining about this…mission accomplished, Terry. Any contact with a woman should be considered ancillary and unnecessary. But here’s one for you…Roger isn’t cleaning any BLUE carpets, my Associate’s Degree-phobic friend. Wait, let me be less abstract…Roger is trying really hard to put a baby inside of your girlfriend’s stomach…with his naughty part…and while I am a stated opponent of suicide, I didn’t say anything about murder…Deuteronomy 4:24-Thou shalt proveth thine love with murder, Terry…see, even God is pretty cool with it, considering he addressed you directly…so, the next time you see that local proprietor sniffing around your place in the wee hours of the morning, teach him a valuable lesson (which he will be unable to apply, ironically…you know, because of his shocking death), let your lady know you mean business (love business), and become a local celebrity…all with one flourish of your medieval mace. Make it happen, Terry. Will you mention me in your first “behind bars” interview? Wait, wait…or you could just ask her about Roger and make an informed, adult decision about whether or not you’re willing to overlook her transgression…and look into getting a job which lets you see her more often…there’s no law saying you have to be a security guard. Haha, I’m kidding…murder Roger.

Music Is Fun #1: A list of songs you should put in your ears.

howunlikeyou — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 17:59:28 +0000

Here are a few songs I listen to while splattering paint all over a hand-stretched canvas in my Factory District loft adorned with meat hooks and strop razors…I turn them up just loud enough to drown out the desperate screams of a friend-turned-informant. It is now up to you to decipher how much of the previous statement was pure deception (hint: all of it). But really, these songs should make you cooler (to click on the link is to find the mp3, but I figured you could also read about the bands, if you’d like…hence my prediliction toward links…longwinded) :

1. Baby Teeth, The Birds Are Crying- I love you, disco rock…love me back! Perfect for that night when you will inevitably sweat, convulse, and nurse a bloody nose in the bathtub of an “adult film” producer you haven’t even met…do NOT do another bump…but do listen to this…here: http://pastaprima.net/?p=540

2. Bobb Trimble, One Mile from Heaven- Music you can garden to…in a hip way! One of the best opening guitar licks in music history. Do people still refer to certain things as “guitar licks?” I bet you feel like you just had a five second conversation with a Dokken roadie, don’t you…sorry…play the song here: http://hypem.com/search/bobb%20trimble/1/

3. Bill Callahan, Diamond Dancer. A dance-folk classic…for when neither dance nor folk is good enough…wait, did I just call it a “dance-folk classic?” I guess (shrugs shoulders). But listen to it: http://hypem.com/track/595713/Bill+Callahan-Diamond+Dancer

4. Music Go Music, Light of Love. The best ABBA rip-off band around! Don’t believe me? Well, I don’t have much proof…other than the savory sound of white shirt/white pants pop glory! Listen to it here, especially if you are considering feathering your hair: http://hypem.com/track/557554/Music+Go+Music-Light+Of+Love

5. Throw Me the Statue, Yucatan Gold. An Indiana Jones reference for a band name? Ok, band…what else do you have to offer? “Well, we have this awesome song!” Ok, that interview was short and vague…on both ends…but this song IS, in fact, awesome…one of the most appropriate songs during which to segue from dancing DIRECTLY to sweet, savage “love”-making…you’ll know the part I’m talking about…when you listen to it: http://sixeyes.blogspot.com/2008/03/throw-me-statue-moonbeams.html

You look so carefree in that hat!

howunlikeyou — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:05:36 +0000

So, I’ve been feeling kind of down recently. “Why,” you ask (silently, I’d imagine)? Well, the Sharper Image is totally closing…I know, it sucks…mostly because we will be losing a true bastion of ridiculous, overly conceptualized technology. Overheard at their bimonthly board meeting, amid pounding fists and loosened ties: “Whatever, power crisis! We’ll devote our energy to producing waffle makers which teach you to speed read and also travel through time to catalog Bronze Age flora and fauna.” Sure, they had ridiculous bravado (a major source of envy for me), but where will we get a calf massager that also houses homing pigeons and takes a baby’s temperature now? For $200! You are impractical, Sharper Image…you have run into the same problem Trojan has. I realize that I just implied that condoms are unnecessary, but who are we kidding? We’re all friends here. But yeah, the upshot to this purveyor of crazy, wizard-derived technology closing shop is that the sales will be amazing…you can finally buy that giant robot panda you’ve been eyeing for five years…that is powered by human hope…which is another reason it will be so deeply discounted…you know, because of the despair marked by the war, AIDS, and the cancellation of the George Lopez show. So stop trying, generals, scientists, and the overzealous producers of Scrubs! Hope is not a renewable resource…it’s far too late for the panda… “Panda power down (robot voice).” So maybe you shouldn’t buy it after all…unless you’re into mechanical depression…and art totally imitating life…COPIER!

Goodbye, cruel world.

Unattainable Girl of the Day #1: Ruby Morgan

howunlikeyou — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 00:38:18 +0000

Ruby…that is a really interesting name, by the way…I don’t think I’ve ever heard it before, ha. Man, I’ve never been in a line this long at a grocery store. How about that lady in front of us…I guess SHE doesn’t have to abide by the rules of the express lane, huh? I swear I’m about to say something. That’s a lot of rosemary you have…I guess it’s for the chicken…kudos on buying organic, by the way. Can you believe there’s no Whole Foods in our neighborhood? I know, it makes it a lot harder to shop ethically. This IS your neighborhood, right? Oh, yeah, I’d feel uncomfortable divulging that information, too…so don’t ask me, either, haha. You must be a dancer or something…you are in really good shape. No? Oh…well, you could totally be a dancer if you wanted to be. Have you seen Stomp? They dance with brooms…weird, right? Sure, check your voicemail…busy Ruby…busy, busy, busy…a lot of messages, huh? Oh, it’s hard to hear? Lips sealed, haha…dum da dum dum…finally, you’re up…that took long enough, eh? A bottle of wine, I see…I’m sure you have someone to share that with…God, your hair is so luxurious…it smells like coconuts…oh, I think the cashier needs to see your ID…Thomas Street, huh? You could almost walk from here, haha…if you need a ride…oh, you drove? Well do you need any help unloa…oh, these can wait…I’m not in a huge hur…oh, ok…have fun at your apartment…3923 Thomas…#344, RIGHT? *Fin*

A rape whistle…

howunlikeyou — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 21:54:48 +0000

…is just a normal whistle, I think…it’s all about the context of use, not the actual product…so the title is a little misleading. I bet you couldn’t tell the difference between forced sexual activity and a technical foul if you heard such a siren right now. Of course, these are just unfounded rumors, as I specifically target those with poor lung capacity (look for portable oxygen tanks)…I’m kidding (or am I)…but I think I almost learned the truth today. As I waited outside of an office for a human woman I know, I heard what I thought were her footsteps as a door opened and closed…the clippity-clops getting closer…so, I did what any sane person would do and hid behind a wall in order to scare the soon-to-be former friend. Plastered against the wall, the steps upon me, I began my tiger-like strike of terror, only to see the horrified visage of a complete stranger, eyes wide, with only fear and unhealthy plaque in her heart…I spent five minutes explaining my innocent intentions and the dangers of cholesterol…she laughed, eventually…flipped her hair…and it turns out she could have used the consentual sex whistle, as she fell prey to my boyish charms, post-haste…In sum, it is dangerous to attempt a public frightening…also, it’s dangerous to believe a woman when she says she has a latex allergy.

How Chechnyan rebels scare THEIR friends.

Time Bandit.

howunlikeyou — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 20:31:08 +0000

A list of things I won’t do, for fear of attracting vultures:

1. Die

That is not a very impressive list…I guess I wouldn’t wear a corpse stole, either…so that’s two…

People are tired of hearing about your insatiable bloodlust, dude.

howunlikeyou — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 16:58:30 +0000

Thing I say to impress ritalin-addled pre-teens and world-weary war widows: “In the interest of getting to know each other, I’ll share a bit about myself. I don’t believe in professional haircuts, I love pancakes (with a side of more pancakes), and I’ve never found a baby in a dumpster…and that’s mostly because scavenger hunts spearheaded by unprepared teen mothers are ill-conceived and poorly organized…’ill-conceived’ was an unintentional pun…so, bonus for you.”

Proof that Jesus is a wizard with spray paint, and also thinks that joke is funny:

I advise testing the black market first, though.

…but our personal savior neglected one tidbit (you’ll notice that the pictured item is actually a recycling receptacle) which puts him squarely at the forefront of the “reincarnation is stupid” debate…again. Pick a side, Jesus…