So, I’ve been feeling kind of down recently. “Why,” you ask (silently, I’d imagine)? Well, the Sharper Image is totally closing…I know, it sucks…mostly because we will be losing a true bastion of ridiculous, overly conceptualized technology. Overheard at their bimonthly board meeting, amid pounding fists and loosened ties: “Whatever, power crisis! We’ll devote our energy to producing waffle makers which teach you to speed read and also travel through time to catalog Bronze Age flora and fauna.” Sure, they had ridiculous bravado (a major source of envy for me), but where will we get a calf massager that also houses homing pigeons and takes a baby’s temperature now? For $200! You are impractical, Sharper Image…you have run into the same problem Trojan has. I realize that I just implied that condoms are unnecessary, but who are we kidding? We’re all friends here. But yeah, the upshot to this purveyor of crazy, wizard-derived technology closing shop is that the sales will be amazing…you can finally buy that giant robot panda you’ve been eyeing for five years…that is powered by human hope…which is another reason it will be so deeply discounted…you know, because of the despair marked by the war, AIDS, and the cancellation of the George Lopez show. So stop trying, generals, scientists, and the overzealous producers of Scrubs! Hope is not a renewable resource…it’s far too late for the panda… “Panda power down (robot voice).” So maybe you shouldn’t buy it after all…unless you’re into mechanical depression…and art totally imitating life…COPIER!
Goodbye, cruel world.
Tags: bulemia, comedy, humor, huntington beach, life, romance, taxes
